Please Steal This Onion Article: Greeks Shun Austerity, Embrace Years of Economic Despair

ATHENS, GREECE — Facing years of economic austerity following their recent financial collapse, Greek leaders announced Tuesday that they would be shifting from a modern economy to a Classical market system.

“If we Greeks are good at one thing, it’s Classics,” said Finance Minister Stavros Stavropolous, “We have a monopoly on marble and the biggest supply of severed stone body parts in the world. We just need to play to our strengths.”

Stavropolous has proposed a new economic initiative to rebuild the Greek economy from the bottom up, focusing on national traditions rather than emerging markets. “We should bring back the things that made Greeks great: Dancing, ouzo and sponge diving!” Stavropolous told reporters at a press conference. “Sponge is a renewable natural resource that has gone untapped for the last sixty years.  With these sponges we will wipe away the stain of economic despair.”

This announcement was met with wild applause from the crowd of 28 Greek business moguls who were in attendance. Niko Andimanous, an Athenian shop owner, called this change a “Eureka moment” for his country and for the world. “No Euro; Drachma!” he cried as he downed the shot of ouzo and received his payment for showing up to the speech.

Fotis Malvides, who owns a hotel on the tourist paradise Mykonos, said that this new initiative is a response to the German financial oppression that is driving the country deeper and deeper into debt. “Germans work, but we Greeks, we dance!” he said.

Malvides also predicts that this new economic policy will make vacations significantly more difficult for Greece’s northern friends. “If Germany takes away our pensions starting at age 43, we won’t let those pasty-faced Teutonic tribes onto our islands or beaches,” he declared. “They can kiss our Acropolis goodbye.”

When confronted with doubts about the financial stability of a sponge-based economy, Stavropolous insisted that the plan was foolproof. “I have already consulted the Oracle of Delphi,” he said, “She says to throw the tax collector down the well.”

Author: Ray Magliozzi & Andrew Magliozzi